‘Honestly, it’s a game-changer’: the one simple thing everyone should do after 20 years of marriage, according to a psychologist

The traditional 20th wedding anniversary gift is china, which is appropriate if you think about it. Just like porcelain, some marriages are marked with a few hairline cracks by this stage.

There’s a particularly gloomy phrase to describe what can happen if you’re not careful: the ‘silent divorce’. You’re still living together. You may even still like each other. But you’ve drifted to a place where you’re really more like flatmates than partners. Still, it doesn’t have to be that way. Just like that porcelain, marriage can be as precious as it is delicate. It needs caring for, which is why psychologist Dr Sandra Wheatley suggests this simple step to everyone who’s been married for a while now…

‘Honestly, it can be a bit of a game-changer and it’s really simple,’ she says. ‘In the beginning of a relationship, couples will often share their dreams, ambitions and aspirations. You’ll say, “Oh, I’d love to do this,” or “I’d love to go there.”’

As you get older, acquiring children, mortgages and more demanding jobs, these conversations quite naturally fall by the wayside. So, when the kids have gone to bed, the table cleared and the washing-up done, dust off that dream to-do list and revisit it.

What happened to those ideas? ‘After 20 years, some will have been fulfilled and some of them won’t,’ says Dr Wheatley. And that’s fine, she suggests. You might decide that some are goals worth reviving and discuss ways to make them happen this time. You might laugh at your youthful lack of realm and cross some firmly off the list. You might spark a conversation that leads to a realisation that, actually, you’d now prefer to put something different but similar on the list. Or, she suggests, ‘you might realise that some of the things on the list, you’d now rather do apart.’

And that’s absolutely fine, suggests Sandra. The point is this: ‘After 20 years, you can be honest with each other. These old goals are little touchstones through which you can look back and say, “Wow!” The value is just in the very fact you’re talking about those things, talking about how you were in the beginning and reflecting on how far you’ve come. It gives you an opportunity to revisit things together, laugh at yourself and laugh with each other.’

Of course, there’s always a risk. ‘If it leads to a realisation that you’re very different people, and you really do have phenomenally different interests, hopes and dreams that now don’t involve each other… well, frankly, the sooner you know that, the better,’ says Dr Wheatley. More likely, though, the beauty of this conversation is that it leads to others.

Because once you decide which ambitions to pursue, you’ll need to start planning them. ‘A lot of the pleasure is in the anticipation,’ says Dr Wheatley. ‘The revisiting and remembering of all the new things you can still do together as a couple.’

And even if you decide that not all of the goals you want to revive are shared, putting your dreams to the top of the list can still have a big and positive impact on your relationship. ‘Topping up your own battery – reigniting the spark within you – means you often bring more energy to your relationship,’ says Dr Wheatley. ‘And in starting a conversation about your personal goal, you might also find out how much your partner wants to support you and cheer you on in that.’ You might invite the kids to join you. She suggests: ‘Even if they say, “Not on your nelly!”, they’re likely still to be behind you and glad for you. And it’s lovely to find out just how much your family really do want you to do well, and that your partner really wants you to be happy.’

In other words, says Dr Wheatley: ‘It’s a catalyst to light and then feed that spark. So, if you feel you’re drifting apart and you want to do something about it, then you will find a way.’